In a public press conference, Brandon Rumfelt, 43 year old homeless non-student, revealed his dietary secrets. Calling it both economical and ‘healthier than dumpsters’, Brandon explained that he had been living off of free food provided by the various clubs and organizations on campus.
Brandon who’s average diet consists of Pizza, Bagels, Chips, and Diet Coke, and Jimmy Johns, stated that the active University community has given him no shortage of consumables seven days a week. “I’ve mooched off of a lot of venues, such as MCTC and Minneapolis College of Art and Design, but the U of M is something special. Nowhere else can you find 4 concurrent events within the same building willing to give you a free lunch and not even ask for your email address. No other college offers this many food options with a nonexistent screening process.”
“In contrast to the U, McCalister almost never has food at their clubs, and MCTC’s groups can never stick to a schedule. You can’t build your diet around those kind of conditions.”
He went on to explain that “not only does the U of M have events every day, but they have email lists to notify you when they are going on. Typically emails are titled “come learn about our culture” which means “come grab 3 slices of pizza and leave.”
In order to maintain the illusion, Brandon alternates between his only two coats, to avoid being recognized. In case of emergencies, he has created alter egos with backstories.
