INDIANAPOLIS—Jared Goff can joke about it all he wants, but his penis is a hot button topic leading up to this year’s NFL draft.
Projected to go either 1st or 2nd overall, the highly touted QB wowed the nation this year with his impressive athleticism and elite arm talent, but a less than stellar showing of his member at the NFL combine leaves some scouts worried.
“It’s definitely perceived as one of his short-comings,” says Sam DeLuca, a scout for the Cleveland Browns. “We’ve had our fair share of draft blunders over the years and after Johnny Manziel, I can tell you the last thing we need is another pencil-dicked signal caller.”
Goff measures in at 6-foot-4 and 215 pounds with a 5-inch schlong. To put that in perspective, fellow top prospects Carson Wentz and Paxton Lynch were marked at 7.4 inches and 8 and ¾ inches respectively.
“I’ve been told I have a pretty big dick my entire life,” Goff said Thursday, outfitted in his league mandated full-body spandex. “But as of yesterday, apparently I have a tiny dick. I don’t know, it must’ve been cold in the stadium.”
General Managers around the league differ in how much they weigh genitals in the overall prospect evaluation process, but the consensus is that being just “pretty big” isn’t enough in a professional league. For a franchise looking to fill a massive hole, they want assurance that a guy can come in there and plug it up from day one.
Dallas Cowboy’s GM, Jerry Jones said, “when you come into this league as rookie, you’ve got a target on your back. Once guys find out about something like this, well…now you’ve got a target on your pecker too.” Jones went on to compare the endowment of other elite quarterbacks, “Brady? That guy’s got a heat-seeking missile. And I’m not talking about his arm… Roethlisberger? Similar to his body in general—unimpressive physically but tough to bring down. We all now the damage that thing’s done off the field. Drew Brees? He’s barely 5’11” and half of that is his willy. I could go on forever.”
ESPN Draft Insider, Mel Kiper Jr. offered his two cents, “I personally measured Goff’s pee-pee and it came out to 4.65 inches. Now that would be a great 40-yard-dash time for the QB but when it comes to penis length that just won’t cut it in today’s NFL. He’s got D1 talent but plays with a D2 dick.”
Despite all the positive traits Goff displayed over the course his senior year at Cal: a fluid throwing motion, excellent touch, and smart decision-making, the one flaw that keeps popping up on draft boards and film rooms across the league is that uninspiring hard-on. Will they someday erect statues of him in Canton? Or will he be just another overhyped bust? Only time will tell.