NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Bernie Sanders failed to impress major media outlets over the weekend as he barely managed to win seventy percent of the 8 birds in three western primary rallies.
The major cable networks briefly mentioned Sanders’s vote tallies in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii but noted that he ran out of steam well shy of 6 birds.
“There’s no point in sugarcoating it,” said Sanders. “It was a rough night for supporters of my campaign.”
According to one cable executive, Sanders needs to “put up some big numbers fast” if he expects the networks to continue giving his campaign airtime.
“It’s going to be harder and harder to justify covering him while he’s stuck down in the 4-5 bird range,” the executive said. “he needs to get at least 7 birds per rally if he wants airtime down the line. And they have to be different birds too. Can’t be just 5 pigeons from the same flock. If Bernie wants to support diversity he needs to attract diversity, and his bird track record isn’t showing it.”
While Sanders campaign officials remain optimistic about the upcoming primary in Wisconsin, media outlets are calling it a “do or die” state after three-out-of-four birds landing on his shoulder consecutively were sparrows.