Following the release of the trailer for the anticipated STAR WARS: ROGUE ONE last Thursday, Disney executives publicly expressed excitement after their latest success to ruin Star Wars forever.
“We at Disney are always happy for the opportunity to ruin peoples childhoods.” said Disney executive Alan Horn. “And, like our similar campaign with Marvel, we are thrilled that Star Wars has provided another chance.”
Since it’s announcement in 2013, many fans were excited at the possibility of seeing a more gritty war style of movie, as well as the potential return of cultural icon Darth Vader. Furthermore, following the disaster that was Episode VII last year, a great number of fans were hoping for this to be the movie to bring the franchise back to form.
Fortunately for Disney, they were able to overcome this excitement, and ruin Star Wars once and for all.
“You only need to look at Twitter to see that we did our job right” said Director Gareth Edwards, who went to extreme lengths studying the Star Wars mythos, to make sure everything he did was wrong.
Major factors of this train-wreck included casting of a female as the bad-ass protagonist, the star destroyers being a slight-gray-white instead of an eggshell-white, and as YouTube user bossOvah9000 posted, “THAT GAI ASS ALARM SOUND EFFECT! ”
This campaign to ruin everyone’s favorite Sci-Fi setting didn’t just start with Disney, and has been going on long before they acquired the rights. Star Wars creator George Lucas explained that the mission began as early as 1983.
“With every movie after Empire Strikes Back, I tried to introduce a new and exciting way to destroy the legacy I created.” explained Lucas in a 2014 interview. “I started small with changing the Ewoks’ eyes, before working up to creating the prequels. Unfortunately, after Revenge of the Sith, I was worried I could do anymore damage. Thank god Disney approached me, and offered to continue my legacy”
As of press time, the general consensus is that the fan-base is super pissed about their childhood being killed, and will only watch it twice on opening weekend.